Performing

Better to start again today that to put it off another moment. I have been performing all along, I guess I just didn't want anyone watching.

Voices

I need to resolve the voices in my writing and embrace a confident tone. Gone is the halting girl who is unsure of herself and her place in the world. In her stead survives a woman with a set of eyes within her that cannot yet see, and the responsibility to share what happens in the encounter with grief. There is still longing for disappearance, but the perverse script is being forsaken. Through the use of the magic mirror and the memory of the safe place where a body that feels in danger of coming apart can be alone in the presence of others, I embrace my terror. Whatever the need for the cam/blog serves for the author/creator, it is a fairy tale for me. A place to lay out and practice desiring to be terrifyingly whole. I have done the work, and now the writing needs to quit harboring that insecure, passive-aggressive little girl. The one that ran to men and mentors for approval, who could only see herself in the eyes on one who adores. Shoo.
I am finding moments of wholeness in the quiet, where there is just solitude and stillness. No movement, just breath. In these times of stillness, the presence of absence moves in to stay and be acknowledged. The perverse script cannot ever make the hole go away. I acknowledge the hole in order to be whole again.