Way Down Inside

I've gone to the soft core of my middle to see if I can't make sense of what I have been thinking about in my research for the last few years. When I make the sense, I still have to see if I can translate all that to the page. Performantive writing is what I'm after, but mainly it just feels like a little psychic constipation.

But I'm not so far down that I cannot recognize the stunning moments of bliss, like when I realized yesterday while writing, that the dogs were anxiously awaiting the arrival home of the Sexy Engineer. Through my research and through my canine companions (the blogs and the dogs), I find every day.....I'm not the only one who feels this way.

Tough Transition

I visited a dear friend today in the maternity ward. In these places you realize that it is work to give birth and to move from pregnancy to motherhood. And the babies. They are all wrapped up, warm, soft and unbelievably snuggly and sweet smelling. When not asleep, I think she is really trying to tell us that she wants to go back to where it was warm and dark. She just can't get comfortable here yet.

Official

I am thinking about girl cams, art and blogs all day. My office is now any coffee shop that offers wi-fi. I am free in a way I never thought possible.



Where is my subject?

Land-Fill meets sudden Priss

The landfill was quite a sensual awakening. I don't necessarily mean that in a positive way. It was quite the drive for the pleasure of paying to dump our no longer needed (and very icky) futon directly into a huge pile of reeking and currently in the process of being bulldozed and pummelled, garbage. Plus it was raining directly atop said landfill.

The Sexy Engineer pointed out that this will probably be the site of a very important future archeological dig. I wonder what all the future ethnographers and other scholars will make of our garbage (particularly the layering of political placards in the strata). The stench, the vastness, the rain, the hugeness of the machines, all combined to turn me into someone I don't really know. For a moment, I was a decidedly feminine little bitch.

When prissy gives way to status quo, I will definitely be rethinking my consumption and disposal habits. I don't want to go back there any time soon. But I will be ruminating over the fact that it costs a little more than 57 bucks to get rid of a (literal) ton of shit.

Laying it On

Detail from "Cherry" by Murry Eisner

I love it when artists really put the paint on. I guess that explains why I really like it when people put it down. Lay it on super thick. An excess, and no fear of it.

If I Had a Tail

I would wag it. And somehow I will find my tale and I will tell it.

New Acquisition - Old Beep Beep

A new chair, and the same old best friend. It's great to feel cozy in a way you thought you never could.

Bloom

Who knew? This song brought me here. In its melody I heard possibilty.

"When I first held you I was cold
A melting snowman I was told
But there was no-one there to hold
Before I swore that I would be alone forever more
Wow, look at you now
Flowers in the window
It's such a lovely day
And I'm glad that you feel the same
Cause to stand up, I'm in the crowd
You are one in a million
And I love you so let's watch the flowers grow

There is no reason to feel bad
But there are many seasons to feel glad, sad, mad
It's just a bunch of feelings that we have to hold
But I am here to help you with the load..."

Travis

Indeed, there is something blooming here.

Acceptance

I have been many things. A teacher, a gallerist, a vice president, a step-mother, a wife and my own worst enemy. I am none of these things any longer. I am finally only me.

I miss what I was, but I can't wait to see what I'll be.

Comfort, in Hurt

This weekend heralds the end of summer. I will miss the tangles of wildflowers and the green that so much rain has unleashed. I will not miss the untamed panic and anxiety somehow also unleashed by the stifling heat.

A perspective shift and some writing are on the horizon as the season slowly changes to something more palatable. I look to it with anticipation.

Heavy Petting

The most delightful experiences can happen when you least expect them. A little tiny carnival has come to town - big doings in these here parts. Tucked in the back was a nicely shaded and cool tent that housed a pig, an emu, a naked necked turken, two turtles, a pair of llamas, several goats, a handful of ducks, geese and chickens and a rabbit that curled up with the llamas for a nap. The whole scene just tickled me (and made me giggle like a schoolgirl). Some days you just have to feel light enough to appreciate a yawning emu.

Losing

We're losing the battle with a precious creature. His kidneys are cystic and causing him not to feel so well. We give him an IV every day (sub cute fluids for those in the know), but he is flagging. Sometimes you have a long time to say goodbye to someone that you love. And sometimes no time at all. It never makes any sense.